Franklin Graham Festival

It's amazing how such a large group of people can get together and celebrate something extremely important to them. I totally envy that. To just forget everything else, close my eyes, and scream out. But the problem is I don't want to be saved. I don't want to believe in just one thing. Because as soon as I do everything else is false by default. And I don't want that to happen. I love living knowing that the possibilities are endless.

But I can understand the desire for firm knowledge. No doubt. I would love to live without that nagging doubt always in the back of my mind.

You can't go on forever like this. You need to settle. You need to know. Your nature doesn't allow for you to not know the definite answer in anything. Just. Give. In.

Not that people who believe in God aren't doubtful. In fact I would question anyone who never doubts their God and that God's existence. To love someone who is supposed to be all mighty, I think that would warrant some doubt.

I feel this pull on all sides. But I've see the harm that has been inflicted in the name of God or Buddha or so many others. So many deluded people thinking one thing but unable to express it in other form than violence and prejudice.

I see so many confused beings just wanting the answer to their question. I don't want to put all my love in one idea just to be hurt. I can't deal with that kind of rejection.

Momentary flashes of happiness

What's sad is that when I need someone to talk to the most I don't have anyone. What's sad is that when the last thing I want is solitude that's all I get. I keep myself closed off from everyone and now I pay for it. I'm getting exactly what I want and deserve. Isn't that nice? When what you want and deserve coincide? It's lovely really how everything I've ever tried for I've gotten. I have nothing to complain about.

Except that really I've got nothing at all. Sure I have momentary flashes of happiness or at least I'm able to fool myself and everyone around me that I am. Happy that is. Oh I'm sure every once and a while they see through it. But not enough to be sure. Or maybe I'm just hoping someone notices. Because I see it but... really who wants to believe that about themselves.

Oh Nhi! With her judgements and her observations about everyone but herself. She's so cute and oddly weird. She's so smart and clever. Doesn't anyone notice that she never says anything of substance? Doesn't anyone notice that she lies to disguise the truth? Doesn't anyone notice that she doesn't know anything about anything.

I'm gonna find another you

This sucks. I have some design research due tomorrow and there's no one online to distract me. That means I should be doing the research. But I don't want to. So what do I do? Do I do the research? Or do I decide to blog about my predicament? I think you know the answer to that question.

So many blogs these days have themes. To draw people back and back. What draws me back? I find the most entertaining ones are the ones that aren't trying. But maybe they are. I mean they post day after day after day. There is some effort there. I put effort into posting regularly. But do I think about what I'm going to say? Not so much. Most of the stuff I type is just what I'm thinking. Like for example I'm super mellow right now because (surprise surprise) I'm listening to Continuum Wow. Just got completely sidetracked singing to Vultures. I've been quite fickle lately. I can't seem to concentrate enough on one thing to follow through. There's also the problem with my money. I can't stop spending it, which is a big problem seeing as there isn't a lot of it to spend. However Visa doesn't care that I'm a poor student that has tuition to pay. No siry! Just pay the bills and they're happy.

Pears & Corks

I just saw Jess' photo portfolio and I must say I'm super impressed. She was just taking pictures of a bunch of pears and wine corks but the way she used light and dark was so inspiring. It makes me wish I could do that. I mean a lot of it is practice (which I have no time for, well I do but that's a different story) but it's also about seeing the picture. There was a time I could look at a scene and think "Oh if I angle the camera this way then the photo will look like this, but if I do it this way..." so and so. Maybe I'll get her to send me a hard copy (I'd pay for it of course!) because I think one of the photos would go very well with my room.

[sic] liek, whoa!

Wireless internet is awesome. I love it. I'm sitting on my comfy bed listening to some great John Mayer and Scissor Sisters and I'm content. Not for long I'm sure but for now. I'm supposed to be doing my reference list for my Bio report but I'm much too lazy to be doing anything remotely educational. I had a major girly moment a few minutes ago when I tried to balance chatting about upcoming plans with Crunk on MSN, talking to T on the phone about said plans and formatting this damn list. Hadn't done anything like that since I was, [sic] liek, 15.

In more happy news I actually have plans for the week that don't just involve frantically finishing assignments that don't contain all the relavent info, sleeping through noteless classes, or trying to decipher a profs accent. Sushi tomorrow (Go friends paying back debt in all you can eat sushi!), seeing the Departed on Friday with a group of guys from school, free Newsboys concert on Saturday followed by, hopefully, a viewing of the Prestige.

Let us see how long this giddy happy lasts. My money's on next Tuesday.