Victimization of the CG Cave Troll

Well it would appear that my first Lord of the Rings marathon was a success. We started at 10:30am (a little late due to my inability to wake up on time) and finished at 11:55pm. And that included breaks and watching a 1hr parody video that Sarah's friends made a couple years ago of Fellowship of the Ring.

There was lots of dozing off (in my case, I slept through most of TTT) and pigging out on nachos, Boston Pizza, and Sarah's mom's great lasagna & spinach salad. And of course eggnog. By the end of the night the basement looked like a crackhouse with all the blankets, food containers, dim-lighting, and half-crazy LOTR fangirls. We were getting pretty silly nearing the middle of the last DVD. Fan commentaries done by us would be hilarious, I'm thinking. We decided we'll start our own rock band and our first album will be called "The Victimization of the CG Cave Troll & Other Stories" due to the sad look on the Cave Troll of the first movie when the Fellowship kills him. He was just doing his job! And the poor Nazgul King got into a fight with his mom and needed someone to take his angst out on (hence attacking Minas Tirith).

And, of course, we can't not mention my highlight ditzy moment of the day. Sarah asked me to unplug her powercord from behind the coach. I had 2 choices in cords and I picked one. Wrong one. I unplugged the whole TV/DVD system. And we were about 30m from finishing too. Ha.

The Departed = Sweet Theatrical Delight

Alright so my last experience at the movie theatre wasn't the greatest. In fact it nearly traumatized me for life. But I re-watched Moulin Rouge with Danielle on Tuesday and that reminded me that not all movies are shit shows. And tonight? Tonight I saw The Departed. And that folks... restored my faith in modern movies. That is what a movie should be. Realistic yet totally done up. Foul-mouthed yet really sweet and kind of paranoid. Two and a half hours of pure jaw-dropping, cringe-worthy, laugh-out-loud, cover-your-eyes yet don't-look-away... sweet theatrical delight. I do realize I sound absolutely crazy but I don't even care. That was my idea of the perfect movie.

"Awareness" is the next "Cool & With It"

So everyone's either at EBC or Drink the Cooler Dry tonight. I'm not too sure as to why I refused to go to either of them. I didn't have very good reasons not to go. Oh well, what's done is done.

Steve's Christmas council party was interesting, to say the least. I don't think I remember the last time so many people were so keen on my personal life. Not that I'm angry or anything. I'm really flattered and I appreciated the advice, and will probably be asking for it again. But I was very aware, last night, of all the people invested in this, whatever it is. For example I was very aware of everyone watching me, to see what I would do. And let's just say I didn't do much.

But in other very exciting news:

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS

Eragon. So. Bad.

Just got back from watching Eragon with the guys. I don't think I've ever seen a movie that butchered a book so badly. Nor have I ever seen a movie with such bad writing. There were moments when I actually recoiled in horror. From a line reading. So. Bad.

It was like the writers couldn't decide what movie they wanted to mirror: Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, or Narnia. So. Bad.

I pretty much had Chris and Marc on either side of me trying to console me throughout the entire movie. The whole 99 minutes of it. How on earth do you fit that kind of book into an hour and 39 minutes? Basically you fit it all into 99 minutes and you have people, like me, crying inside from the pain of such a monstrosity. So. Bad.

Not only did they change the order of events and the story a tad to make it easier to follow (a task they failed at), which I would've been alright with, but they changed the personalities of the characters. That is unforgivable. What purpose to the movie does changing characters have? So. Bad.

SO. BAD.

El Fin. Soy Confundido

Done!

That went a lot better then I was expecting. Of course I was expecting the exam from hell so anything probably would've been a lot better. The whole exam thing being over is sort of... anti-climactic, to quote Mr. Senior Stick. What am I going to do with myself? Well first of all I have the yearbook cover and template to look forward to. Planning EngWeek. The Uber-Dorky 20 Hour Lord of the Rings Marathon that Tesarski and I planned. Shopping. Reading many, many books. Watching many, many movies.

So why do I feel like there's something missing? It is pretty horrible when you put yourself out there and you're left standing in the middle of nowhere. It's even worse when you hear a car but the driver can't seem to decide whether or not he can fit a passenger.

Can you tell I'm tired and confused by the half-assed metaphors?

History in the making

I don't think I can read anymore. This is possibly the first time in history I have ever freely admitted that. My Bio exam is tomorrow afternoon and I still have loads of notes to read. Luckly for me the last half of those are just A&P review. Who knew summer courses would ever pay off!

Now if you don't mind I am going to go back to reading about... Plant Nutrition.

Bubbly, happy Nhi

What happened to bubbly, happy Nhi?

The bubble burst when she hit 10 hours of sleep... in 3 days. I should not have been attempting to think, let alone talk to anyone last night. I learned that lesson hard in time for today, when I spent the day finishing of my Bio report and not speaking to anyone unless necessary.

Can I wait long enough to see this through to the end? Finals start on Friday.

Minus Friday Night

This has been and still is the weekend from hell, minus Friday night. Trilogy and Bio reports due on Tuesday is stressful enough. But leaving Bio until 3 days before it's due to start it is just plain stupid. How the hell could I have dropped the ball on this so badly? Right, because this semester sucked ass. I'm burning out people. I can't even look forward to Christmas break too much because I know I'm going to be at school for most of it working on that damn yearbook that I so stupidly volunteered to make. Save for a quick 3 weeks in August I haven't had a break for over a year.

And to make things even more wonderful the extra shifts I was counting on at work have now been removed from the Horizon that is Money.

Oops. I said I was going to be more positive. That lasted, what? Like, 2 days? Let's just say that my bitterness is a cute quirk and call it a day, shall we?

Oh and Friday night out with Eric was really great. Which explains why I spent the rest of the weekend being a total girl and not getting much done in terms of Bio reports.

How's that for positive?

Blood.

So giving blood doesn't seem to agree with me, it turns out. Everyone's telling me I should've ate more. Whatever, it's past. All I know is, not only did I feel like fainting and/or throwing up all day, but I had to listen to everyone tell me how bad I looked. Fun. And it got even funner when I was practically force fed apple-strawberry sauce. Disgusting stuff but I owe James one because it kept me from passing out. I got my mom to drive me home and slept until 7. Just in time for Grey's Anatomy. It's like my internal clock is running on Grey's time. Ha.

Spongee

So. Tired.

Spongee was last night and oh my goodness are ice rinks cold. I mean I knew it was going to be cold because of the ice and whatnot but when it's colder inside than outside there's a problem! I sold drinks tickets until 1 which was... interesting. Actually boring is more like it. But the music was great (lots of Bon Jovi) and I had Elise to talk to for most of the night. She left early though so from midnight on I had to mingle.

At one point before the semi-finals were going to start there was a lull in the action and I asked Eric to entertain me... Leave it to him to think "entertaining" meant telling a really geeky engineering joke. But it was cute how he thought it was so funny.

Near the end of the night some guys got in a fight and broke a window. Not cool. I mean people grow up.

Yeah and Daryl totally upstaged me with his huge ass camera. I mean the lens came up to over a foot long! So jealous.

The walls start breathing, my mind's unweaving

The idea that no one understands and no one ever will because you're wrong. So wrong that even your own parents don't want to understand. You pull yourself away from them because there's no point.

You get older and you think it may be time to stop. Time to move on and past it. But every word out of your mouth is scattered across the prairie that is your family life. There are no bridges to burn because they were never built. Tears mean nothing because you cannot hold them in. Every emotion you possess is laid bare but you are just spat at for being "too sensitive."

Every conversation reminds you of your darkest moments as a teenager. When you went through everything any other person goes through. But you always went further. You had to win always. Your darkest days still make you weep with the hopelessness of it. You told yourself that every one feels the same way. But you're older now, you know better. They lied to you. They didn't know how bad it got. How bad you were.

But it's okay now. You can suppress it better than before. You'll go through life never saying a word. Except in moments like these when you realize someone should know. Someone should know in case you bottled one too many tears and it all blows up from there. Only who would you tell.

Franklin Graham Festival

It's amazing how such a large group of people can get together and celebrate something extremely important to them. I totally envy that. To just forget everything else, close my eyes, and scream out. But the problem is I don't want to be saved. I don't want to believe in just one thing. Because as soon as I do everything else is false by default. And I don't want that to happen. I love living knowing that the possibilities are endless.

But I can understand the desire for firm knowledge. No doubt. I would love to live without that nagging doubt always in the back of my mind.

You can't go on forever like this. You need to settle. You need to know. Your nature doesn't allow for you to not know the definite answer in anything. Just. Give. In.

Not that people who believe in God aren't doubtful. In fact I would question anyone who never doubts their God and that God's existence. To love someone who is supposed to be all mighty, I think that would warrant some doubt.

I feel this pull on all sides. But I've see the harm that has been inflicted in the name of God or Buddha or so many others. So many deluded people thinking one thing but unable to express it in other form than violence and prejudice.

I see so many confused beings just wanting the answer to their question. I don't want to put all my love in one idea just to be hurt. I can't deal with that kind of rejection.

Momentary flashes of happiness

What's sad is that when I need someone to talk to the most I don't have anyone. What's sad is that when the last thing I want is solitude that's all I get. I keep myself closed off from everyone and now I pay for it. I'm getting exactly what I want and deserve. Isn't that nice? When what you want and deserve coincide? It's lovely really how everything I've ever tried for I've gotten. I have nothing to complain about.

Except that really I've got nothing at all. Sure I have momentary flashes of happiness or at least I'm able to fool myself and everyone around me that I am. Happy that is. Oh I'm sure every once and a while they see through it. But not enough to be sure. Or maybe I'm just hoping someone notices. Because I see it but... really who wants to believe that about themselves.

Oh Nhi! With her judgements and her observations about everyone but herself. She's so cute and oddly weird. She's so smart and clever. Doesn't anyone notice that she never says anything of substance? Doesn't anyone notice that she lies to disguise the truth? Doesn't anyone notice that she doesn't know anything about anything.

I'm gonna find another you

This sucks. I have some design research due tomorrow and there's no one online to distract me. That means I should be doing the research. But I don't want to. So what do I do? Do I do the research? Or do I decide to blog about my predicament? I think you know the answer to that question.

So many blogs these days have themes. To draw people back and back. What draws me back? I find the most entertaining ones are the ones that aren't trying. But maybe they are. I mean they post day after day after day. There is some effort there. I put effort into posting regularly. But do I think about what I'm going to say? Not so much. Most of the stuff I type is just what I'm thinking. Like for example I'm super mellow right now because (surprise surprise) I'm listening to Continuum Wow. Just got completely sidetracked singing to Vultures. I've been quite fickle lately. I can't seem to concentrate enough on one thing to follow through. There's also the problem with my money. I can't stop spending it, which is a big problem seeing as there isn't a lot of it to spend. However Visa doesn't care that I'm a poor student that has tuition to pay. No siry! Just pay the bills and they're happy.

Pears & Corks

I just saw Jess' photo portfolio and I must say I'm super impressed. She was just taking pictures of a bunch of pears and wine corks but the way she used light and dark was so inspiring. It makes me wish I could do that. I mean a lot of it is practice (which I have no time for, well I do but that's a different story) but it's also about seeing the picture. There was a time I could look at a scene and think "Oh if I angle the camera this way then the photo will look like this, but if I do it this way..." so and so. Maybe I'll get her to send me a hard copy (I'd pay for it of course!) because I think one of the photos would go very well with my room.

[sic] liek, whoa!

Wireless internet is awesome. I love it. I'm sitting on my comfy bed listening to some great John Mayer and Scissor Sisters and I'm content. Not for long I'm sure but for now. I'm supposed to be doing my reference list for my Bio report but I'm much too lazy to be doing anything remotely educational. I had a major girly moment a few minutes ago when I tried to balance chatting about upcoming plans with Crunk on MSN, talking to T on the phone about said plans and formatting this damn list. Hadn't done anything like that since I was, [sic] liek, 15.

In more happy news I actually have plans for the week that don't just involve frantically finishing assignments that don't contain all the relavent info, sleeping through noteless classes, or trying to decipher a profs accent. Sushi tomorrow (Go friends paying back debt in all you can eat sushi!), seeing the Departed on Friday with a group of guys from school, free Newsboys concert on Saturday followed by, hopefully, a viewing of the Prestige.

Let us see how long this giddy happy lasts. My money's on next Tuesday.

Oh yeah?

In random order:

1. My iPod was dying but now it is better. No thanks to stupid Apple trying to charge me $60 just to help me over the effing phone.


2. Real life conversation...
   

   Nhi: The question is on page 34, #2-28. *flips through textbook* It's not here. This page isn't even questions, it's just theory. Stupid!
   Jenelle: That's weird, are you sure you have the right page? ... That's the wrong textbook.
   Nhi: Oh.
   

3. Studio 60 is an awesome show. I love fall premieres. I've viewed and judged. My shows for the season are: Grey's Anatomy, Studio 60, House, Gilmore Girls, and the Office.


4. No more Harry Potter conference. I can love him from home while saving my money for my Eurotrip & a laptop. That sounds odd out loud.
   


5. School is beginning to become busybusybusy! again. Not sure how I feel about that yet.


6. I forgot.
   

Star sighting!

Aaron Ashmore was just in the cafe. How effing awesome is that? I guess he's here doing something 'cause I'm positive it's him & not Shawn. And like the geek I am I googled him while he sat, like, 10 feet away from me. But I'm proud that I didn't say anything to him when he paid, although I was leaning towards saying something like "You look familiar... do I know you from somehwere?" but that would've been obvious.

My heart is still beating 100x faster than normal.

New beginnings

Oh how I love September! The freshness of everything right before they die. Wonderful! I'm already dead tired from orientation (singing The Engineering Hymn a million times is rough on the voice!) Two days straight of perky tours and bright-eyed frosh was a lot more fun than I expected. The only part I was realy nervous about was my buddy group not liking me and having to dance/run across the room for council introductions.

This is gonna be a long one...

Jenelle & I, not bowling

Anyone who knows me knows I'm all for making a fool out of myself but being forced to dance across a room to bad music is pushing it. So Jenelle and I just opted for running in, she struck a pose and I took a picture of her (we're yearbook) but the camera went on saver mode so for a couple of seconds nothing happened.

Action shot!

Super Frosh! drinking a full pitcher of beer (one of many that night)

So yeah that part was lame but my group and I had fun I think... the frosh this year was 90% guys so I had 4/5 guys. Even though they're 2 years younger than me I was not the only one who noticed there were a LOT of nice looking guys this year. There was lots of friendly flirting going on. Especially since the title of "Super Frosh" was brought out this year and to get it they had to get as many phone numbers as possible. It's a weird feeling having, like, 20 guys come up to you in one night asking for your number.

Bowling was fun, even if I got glared at for not bowling. But the highlight was playing pool at Triple B's. I somehow managed to get the white ball to hop over the ball I was trying to hit and into the pocket. It was great. I somehow managed to charm Kane into driving me home even though all I did all night was tease and flirt with him. Hmmm I love being in a faculty where the male:female ratio is somewhere around 2:1.

Yes, that is a full Corona

Oh and of course school started the next day. My voice was so rough and I had the worst headache. Luckily I only had 2 classes. My Buddhism class is so small and I'm the only non-Arts/Fine Arts student. It was a little intimidating. Trilogy was much better. I knew everyone and they know me and it's wonderful.

Heather, proudly showing off her groups flag. I was Rho (SO much better than Pi) Oh and notice the t-shirt. A crossed out italic "i" and the words "keepin' it real" Anyone who knows complex numbers should find this amusing!

I've got to say I love the first few days of school. It's great to just walk around, totally relaxed, meeting up with people I haven't seen in 4 months and making small pointless talk. Reminds me of high school.

Ha! Short Entry. "Planet" Pluto

Stupid.

Why, WHY, WHY would a cyber cafe offer free computer time? When the sole purpose of the business is computers? If people actually think that then they are seriously stupid and if not then they're a bunch of cheap liars.

Sometimes I wonder how the hell we ever left the ocean.

Who defines normal?

What are you supposed to say when there's nothing to say but saying nothing is not acceptable? What is there to do anything you do will be a mistake? What happens to perspective when you becomes me and we becomes I? The world is warped into what appears to be normalcy but it's really just nature's way of screwing you over.

Change is good. Or so they've told me. They have obviously never met nature.

Feeling good.

I feel so effing good right now. Math is finally over and I can relax for a month. I'm not sure anymore if I got the A+ I wanted but I'm fairly sure I passed with at least a B. Fingers crossed.

I think I'm in a much better place in my life than I was, like, 2 months ago. I'm feeling good about school, work and my friends. My cousin's coming in 5 days. And my aunt and uncle & their kids are driving over here for a week or so. Plenty of oppurtunities to use my Pixar, which has been collecting dust. I'm loving it here at the cafe. My boss is impressed with me and the customers are nice.

I'm thinking of doing a minor in arts. It's only 18 credit hours, maybe I'll take a semester off of engineering and do arts-y stuff abroad. I'll come back to finish my engineering degree with good grammar and speaking in full sentences. It's a scary thought.

All my whining about friends and stuff? I realize I'm such an idiot. The ones I want to be there for me are always there. That's what makes them friends and not just someone I know quite well.

And now I'm gonna go write my self-help book!

Waiting For The World To Change

Rediscovering a love for someone or something is the most amazing feeling. It's like knowing, knowing that you're not alone. You connect with something in the world outside of your own body. It sounds silly, seeing as I've never met the man, but John Mayer has always been somewhat of a guilty pleasure. His music I mean. Listening to him pour his heart out in every song gives me hope that maybe, someday, I'll have the sort of passion for whatever it is I end up doing with my life. I mean he picked up a guitar for the first time when he was 13. He's 29 now. He's done so much and worked with so many people. I just admire him, you know? It's wonderful because he's like the Beatles for me. The love is always there but sometimes, in my efforts to keep up with the changing music scene, I lose track of him.

And then, WHAM!, all of a sudden I'm hit with this song in the car. The lyrics are simple but powerful. The music is... lighthearted & catchy but doesn't distract from the idea behind the words. Instead it adds to it. Kind of like the Beatles. Half the time you think they're just messing around. And they usually were. But the idea, the message was there. Always.

For example the song All You Need Is Love. Everyone thinks it's this great love song and it is. But if you listen closely you hear the boys making fun of themselves and all the people that keep looking for deeper meanings in their lyrics. Ironic considering this song has the hidden message.

So yes. Go to his website. Listen to the song. And I mean really listen because I think this song really speaks for this generation. How are we supposed to take control of the throne when our mothers and fathers are done? How do you expect us to make the world a better place when there is a pointless war, raged by warmongering men and women, behing fought miles and miles away? The rules keep changing and it's becoming harder and harder to win. So we just keep waiting for the world to change.

English boys... and Harry Potter

Okay. Coolest thing ever just happened. This english guy came in to the cafe right? To unload his camera onto a CD. Normal. But then I got to talking to him. He's been here on a student visa working. Normal. He's been traveling for 2 months now after working for a year. By the end of it he will have been to every Canadian province (that's more than me!). I mentioned my dreams of working in Scotland and also how I'm going to Toronto next summer for the convention. And that's when it happened. He became my new favorite person.

HE WORKED ON THE 3RD AND 4TH HARRY POTTER MOVIES.

I had the biggest OMG moment. I said I would kill to work on a movie set, not to mention a Harry Potter flick. He said there's always lots of positions. I would've asked him for a contact number but alas I was working and someone needed to pay. He said bye and-- oh! Did you hear that? That was the sound of great oppurtunies leaving with cute english boy. Sigh.

But still it was super awesome to talk to him about his work experience here in Canada and all that. I was tempted to run after him and follow him back to London.

New Beginnings

Okay guess where I am! In a cyber cafe. As an employee. I totally got a second job. I can say I work 2 jobs and go to school. I'm a starving student! Except for the fact that I live at home with my parents. Whatever! I get to make coffee (and drink it) & help people with their internet problems! Awesome job!

I also got my hair permed yesterday! It was very exciting. It looks so different but I love it so much! Especially with bangs, which I also got! I'll post pictures as soon as I remember to. So probably never. But it's the thought that counts!

It's a wonderful life!

I'm just starting to understand how much I've come to depend on others. It's funny because I'm actually such an independent person. But I need that feedback. I need to know if I'm doing the right thing. Most of the time I would've already come up with my own opinion but I need to know if it's the correct opinion. It's so sad. But really... isn't that what friends are for? To push you along when you're stuck? I don't know anymore. I don't think I've been a very good friend to anyone in my life. I'm not sure if I know how. I think back and yes, I think I'm right. I'm not a very good friend. I really do care but I don't think it comes across very well. And I'm assuming it's important how the person feels towards me. I've been having It's A Wonderful Life moments more and more lately. Seriously, who would notice if I were gone. I certainly wouldn't (Haha get it? 'Cause I'd be gone? ... *sigh*).

Quick List of the Random.

God I've been such a effing drag on paper lately. Seriously want to slap myself.
Quick life update:

• So Math is going good. I'm doing 200% times better than last time. Literally.
• I finally got a Buddha board. So relaxing putting all my energy into water. And it's pink. Bonus!
  
• My cousin is coming from Vietnam on August 10th. And my little girl cousins from Vancouver may be coming also for August! Family!
• I broke my back making our fence. For our 90ft x 40ft backyard. That's 2000 nails. And also because of the way the sun shone on me when I was behind the fence my left arm is tanner than my right. Note to self: when hiding in the shade during a heat wave make sure all of self is in said shade.
• I played the piano today for the first time since Christmas. So sad. And now my arm is killing me because my technique is shot to hell.
• I HAVE TO GO TO PROPHECY 2007 THE HARRY POTTER CONVENTION. It's a sign of how freaking excited I am when I use the caps lock. I don't care if I won't be able to go to school after going to Toronto but I'm going. And probably check out Montreal and Ottawa while I'm doing the travel thing. Although I had to restrain myself from applying to be the volunteer coordinator. It's a disease. I just like organizing and bossing people around.
  

No Contact. No Memories.

It's amazing how the simple act of walking downtown can calm me down. I can pretend to be anyone. A tourist far, far away from friends, family and the worries that come with them. Or a career woman walking to work after a stressful breakfast with potential clients. An intern wondering if she's good enough to make it in the field. Or.

Just me. No one harassing me. Not caring whether or not I'm being freezed out by everyone I care about. Whether or not I'm failing miserably in school, in family, in society and in life. Not having to ask the questions "Am I making the wrong choices? Is everything I do a big mistake? What do I have to do to finally be a little happy for once in my life?" And knowing, knowing that somewhere there's someone who actually gives a damn.

I'm sick of caring. I'm sick of worrying about the wrong things. I'm sick of giving a damn when you don't give a damn about me.

I kid myself when I think I'm first on anyone's list. I alienate. I push everyone away. But then again, no one pushes back.

It's amazing how the simple act of walking downtown can calm me down. I can pretend to be anyone. I can pretend to travel back in time to when I was insecure, to when I thought I was poetic when I was just idiotic, to when the world hated me but I'm okay, I hate me too.

What happended to the "new" me? I'm just fooling myself by thinking it was me that changed when really it was just a clever new way to push away by pulling reluctant victims closer and closer until I realize, well, I never really touched them. No contact. No memories except the ones planted by me. All of a sudden there's no one there and I'm left pulling on thin air.

Superman Returns!

In happier news. I saw Superman Returns on Wednesday. Seriously it was like being 8 again and watching the original for the millionth time. The first time Superman flew across the screen I squeed like the annoying fangirl that I am. That Brandon guy really did a good job. He managed to do the Superman thing without looking like an idiot in tights. But it was how he did Clark Kent that made me a happy bopper by the end. He was cute and likeable while being a complete dork all at the same time. There's a scene were Lois and Richard (her boyfriend) seemed to be close to guessing who Superman really is. Clark does this "looks around the room, spots them, waves geeky-ly and grins" thing that just melted my heart. Becuase, of course, he was listening to them talk from across the room.

'Course the four 14-year-olds behind us managed to ruin many of the great moments by saying things like "What's with his hair?" or "His skin is, like, perfect. Creepy" but mostly it was just *gigglegigglesnortlaugh* I finally got them to shut up by trying around and telling them to stuff it. Yes, I know, I vowed never to be "that person" but they were ruining Superman for me!

PotC:2 in 4 days! I need to make a trip to the Dollarama for an eyepatch.

Moving on...

I suppose it's time to move on. Being friends with someone shouldn't mean I feel like dirt and insecure all the time. I shouldn't have to wonder if by saying "I'll pick you up tomorrow" means "I'll forget and not bother to call and apologize." It makes me a little sad but unless something changes I'm not sure if it's the best thing for my "mental health" to be the one trying too hard. And some of my oldest friends too. Some of them I'm not too fussed about saying goodbye [not that there's any goodbye to say. were we really friends at all?] but others... well it's not the easiest thing to admit to myself that high school's over. It's amazing any of my friendships lasted this long.

To new beginnings. Unless this isn't the end? We'll see.

They're watching me.

So I get this call yesterday from this guy telling me I have to go down to my bank ASAP. Why? Becuase one of the places I used my card may be collecting PIN's and card numbers using an overlay (goes over the real machine). Fun.

My mom and I went down today to get that taking care of. My faithful card was finally cut in half and I was given a new temp one [look for the new on in the mail! bah.] While we where there I figured I might as well get going with those investments I've been meaning to do. So I opened a second banking account and invested most of my savings in some safe mutual funds and such.

[Do you get the feeling that "they" are watching me? I'm afraid to use my card now]

Also my mom is bugging me to go to the doctor about my cough. Geez it's not like I'm coughing up [that much] blood.

Best Friends Forever

Sometimes I wonder if Pamie is reading my mind. Or maybe she proves that I'm not the only one.

Making Friends

Confessions of...

I never thought it'd be possible for me to read a book, hate the protagonist and yet keep reading and not stop reading until I finish. I just finished Confessions of a Shopaholic. Definately Chick Lit as it only took me a couple hours to read. At times I wanted to smack the girl across the face and say "get a grip!" But I couldn't stop. I wanted to see if she'd be put in jail. Sadly I was disappointed.

You should read it if you get around to it. Meanwhile it's off to the library for me for the other books in the series.

Hey Bitches!

I'm so sick of people bitching about the province (the weather, the government, feminisim, gay pride, music, kids, real estate, the list goes on and on). I talk shit a lot because I'm a whiner by nature and I talk about traveling the world but I honsetly think this is an awesome place to live.

My parents came to Canada in two seperate groups of immigrants. Both groups were stationed here. By the time I hit puberty every single person in both groups had left for Toronto or Vancouver. Except my parents. Determined to own a house and earn a living they stayed where they knew they could reach their goals. The year I graduated my parents finally could say they owned our house, not the bank. My dad teaches at the local community college and my mom runs her own business. My brother and I have always had everything we needed. And all those other people in the groups? Some, like my parents, were able to get a foothold in society and work their way up. But most weren't able to. For a small fraction it was because they're lazy fools. For the greater of them it was because they weren't able to work their way up, with the higher living costs, higher amounts of immigrants all fighting for the same jobs and to a small degree the desire to look like they've made it. Designer clothes and high tech sound systems have sucked many old friends into debt.

But that's not the point. The point is this is a great city, in a great province. We may not be the best drivers in the world and it may be slightly boring for some but think of all the great things we have. And when the city tries to boost some morale and spirit all we get are people dissing it. "We could've done better" or "It's stupid" Well no matter what they come up with it's nothing without the support of the people. We are the ones that make or break the whole idea. So what if it's a bit dorky or dated or boring? Look around you! Most of us are dorky or dated or boring. Some are all 3. And more. I wasn't overly excited about the idea at first, mostly because it was so sudden but I've decided why shouldn't I be excited? It's something new and since doing nothing only gets us a lot of little wankers complaining, well now they can't say we didn't try.

Without our support it's just 2 words. If we get behind them they become so much more.

It's sad really

Wow, this is an all time low for me. I'm hiding at school. Not exactly hiding but still sad on a Friday night. Most people my age would be out, having fun, doing exciting things. But me? No, I wallow in self-pity and hide at school. Although I was at a coffee place for a couple of hours.

I just couldn't stand it at home anymore. Not only do we not have A/C (it's beyond humid right now) but it doesn't matter what I say I get yelled at. If I try being passive and not talking to anyone I'm being rude. If I talk and it's even a little sarcastic [even when I'm not trying to be, it comes out that way and my parents are really over sensitive about stuff like this] I'm being disrespectful. Okay I'm sorry but when my dad says "cut the steak in half" I cut it in half, without questions [because apparently I shouldn't question him]. But then I get glared at and snapped at because he meant I should butterfly it. Well of course that's what he meant by "cut the steak in half." So I've decided fine, I will just follow directions, answer nicely and not at all disrespectful or in any way besides "yes father" and "yes mother." No longer will I attempt to have any sort of personality or life of my own except when I leave their presence. Because apparently children should never ever display any act of selfishness or signs that they might have a mind of their own.

Seriously like they're the best parents in the world. Like I have no right to be angry when one of them tells me one thing and the other tells me the complete opposite. Make up your own effing mind and get back to me. Until then don't expect me to be any more than a robot in your presence. I've always bended to their rules. And now that I'm 19 I really don't have to if I don't want to. But I do anyways. I'm such an effing pansy. I should just leave.

Maybe I should bow at them before I leave the room like some sort of 15th century Viet slave to the Chinese master. Only now it'd be mindless daughter to all-mighty parents.

[You'd think by now we'd've gotten this all sorted out. Most kids begin to form some sort of friendship with their parents by now. But no. I have to sit here sounding like some sort of angst-filled 15 year old when I'm not. I'm just plain pissed off. They obviously know nothing about me, seeing as they can't even distinguish between my being silly and playful and my being rude and disrespectful. I am thisclose to just walking away and never coming back.]

A weekend of nothingness

A weekend of half-hearted studying, my dog biting my finger, spilling boiling hot soup all over my hand and lots & lots of chinese food. Oh and I wrote a nice long 8-page letter for Tesarski in there somewhere. That's when the half-hearted studying came in. My Physiology midterm was today and I want to say I did good but something in me tells me not to. So I won't. Unless I actually did good in which case I'll want to say I did good before I know I did good. But I won't. Just in case. You get me?

What has Mario done for you lately?

Would you trade your memories for anything? Even knowing they messed you up, spin you around, pulled you back and never let you get any peace? Would you do it? Would I do it?

I was talking on the phone with Tesarski the other day. She mentioned that as a child she never had any gaming systems. Which I find cool, whatever, you know? Not having Nintendo NES or SuperNintendo made her as much herself as my having every Nintendo system since NES made me who I am today. Kids these days are messed up because of video games I think. But it was a simplier time back then. It was a special kind of innocence trying to shoot that damn dog in Duck Hunt. Did anyone ever kill him? It wasn't violent, it wasn't unhealthy, it was just... the dog wouldn't die!

So I thought about it. What good did Mario & Luigi ever do for me? Then I remembered. The one of two or three clear memories before the age of 5. My childhood best friend, Thi, and I were sitting on his bathroom floor trying to get the game clear of dust. His mom had tried to hide the system in the bathroom cabinet but to two 5 year olds dying to get to the next level hiding Nintendo won't do you any good. We'll find it.

The apartment door slams. It's his dad. I'm not sure if it's the talk I heard as I started to get older but I vividly remember his parents fighting. We ended up hiding in the bathroom not wanting to get in trouble for finding the game while his parents are so obviously angry at each other. Now his mom used to be fairly good friends with my mom, that's how we met. We were born a month apart. No one has ever told me anything when I ask but I've gathered so far that his dad was a gambler. They were having money issues. They split a few years later. His mom took him and his sister. They stayed at our house for a week when I was 7. I would go to school during the day and he would stay at home. We'd play Duck Hunt when I got home. Then they left for Toronto at the end of the week and I never saw him again. Last I heard they're in Vancouver and his mom still dates. Scandalous for a grown Vietnamese woman. I miss him sometimes and I wonder what he's like now. We'll both turn 20 this year. Him a month older like he used to like to remind me.

My point is that's one of my clearest childhood memories. A mixture of video games, fighting, and hiding on a damp bathroom floor. Would I ever trade it for an upgrade?

Rain rain go away

So I'm on the bus right? It's a nice day, kind of humid but nice. I'm wearing jean capris and tshirt. I brought a hoodie 'cause it's always cold in my classroom. The weatherman said there would be rain but why should I believe a guy that has, without fail, lied to me everyday for the last month? All of a sudden it starts pouring. Buckets and buckets of water just comes out of no where. I start worrying. I mean my stop was coming up and it didn't seem like it was letting up. I put on my zip up hoodie, I'm ready for whatever nature has in store for me. I step off the bus.

...

Nothing could've prepared me for that. My glasses covered in water. I couldn't see anything. My feet were wet and in a massive puddle that covered the entire bus stop. I feared for my precious iPod in my bag. I flung myself on to my bag to save it. Myself and 3 other people were trying to see enough to be able to cross the street to the other side where our next bus stop is. Cars are zooming past like some stupid Mazda commerical.

"The bus is coming!" yells one of the guys.

Oh crap. Now I had to face a life or death dilemma: save my iPod or search for my bus pass. I decided to try and do both. Sweat, hair wax & foundation poured in my eyes along with about a litre of water. Lucky for us the next cars stopped to let us cross. Unlucky for us, we'd already spent more than 5 seconds out in the rain and were soaked to the bone. I dripped all the way to my seat, blind as my glasses had fogged up. And to top off my afternoon: the bus driver didn't hear the bell nor did he see the big red sign light up and drove past my stop. Yup. So I walked an extra 5 minutes out of my way to get home.

The result:And a very unhappy asain girl.

Obsession

Shopping. I swear it's a problem with me. When I'm not working that many hours at the restaurant I tend to shop more. I mean I spent almost $200 the other weekend. Granted it was for stuff I had needed for months. I still felt bad. I don't normally get to shop. I needed a new shirt for work. I needed a new totebag for school. I needed new underwear. I did [not] need 2 pairs of capris/shorts. I did [not] need a new CD. I did [not] need to go to dollarama at all. [I don't need a lot of things.] And then the other day I went down Osborne. That place is my weakness. I got a pair of second hand jean capris. Dude are they comfy. They're stretchy & the right length and they actually make me look tall. Which is a feat no other pant has ever accomplished in my lifetime. I had given up hope that it was possible. They were a little tight at the waist but I cut little slits so it's all good.

But then I read Apoorva's blog. I met her through EWB [Engineers Without Borders] and she's in Ghana this summer doing work. Man I wish I could be like people like her. But I can't. Not that I'm completely shallow or selfish or self-centred. I may seem like that on the surface but I know there are people suffering. I would do anything possible if I thought it would help. But I don't, usually. I'll talk to people about issues. I support charities and I go to the odd meeting/fundraiser. And you'd think, me being all for organizing events and such, would jump right into things like EWB & the UN & whatever. It's mostly because I don't believe it'll make much of a difference. I mean I can see it makes a difference but I've always held the belief that I won't make a difference. And if you don't believe in yourself how can you hope to help others? That's what I've always wanted to do. Help others I mean. But sometimes I doubt myself. So I hide behind a shell that says I don't really care. But I do. I care a lot.

And that brings me to my next "point." I care too much. I take almost everything anyone says to me in mean spirit to heart. I don't take negative comments about myself very well. In fact I can't take it at all. I dwell on it for days and months and years. I can actually remember a comment my grade 6 science teacher made to a group of my friends about me [who immediately told me because as you'll see, it was a vile thing she said. At least to a bunch of 11 year olds it was.] You see I did not make honour roll my first term of grade 7 year. On a quick visit to our elementary school my friends mentioned it to our teacher, who asked about me [I wasn't there]. Her comment?

"I'm not really surprised, seeing as english wasn't her first language."

Not exactly racist but not exactly nice either. Considering I had a 90% in english that year and the classes I messed up on were science & gym. She could not have known the details and yet she taught me for a number of my elementary years. English had long become my most comfortable language. My junior high teachers eventually realized I had only missed honours by 1% & upped my marks so it didn't "ruin" the rest of my terms. And I went on to be on the honour roll every term for the rest of middle & high school. I knew that. My friends knew that. And what does it matter that some bitter old witch didn't know that? Nothing. It doesn't matter at all. And yet it still bothers me that I was never able to tell her these things. Ten years later it still bothers me. What kind of a loser am I?

I cling to the past. Whether or not it's good for me doesn't really matter. Especially after I transferred to MMC. That place saved me. I know it sounds cheesy and I know most people hated high school. I'm one of them. Before I transferred I was... lost. I don't know a better word for it. I was a mean, spiteful person. I'm not exactly sure why I had any friends at all. I didn't really fit in with anyone. I can honestly say I don't think I'd be here if I was forced to stay behind. I was so far gone by that point that I'm surprised that by simply going to a different school I was able to pull myself away from the cliff. I read my diary enteries from grade 7 - 9 and they progressively get worse and worse, darker and darker. I was plagued by rumours and threats and glares by girls that didn't even know me. I was harassed by guys that thought I was so smittened by their "boy next door" charms that I would help them with whatever math problem they brought to me. By that point I was known as the weird, brainy girl that read big thick books while eating her lunch.

But at MMC? I became a new person. I think the only people who can vouch for me would be Lisa & Becky. They transferred with me. Actually I followed them to MMC. I owe that experience to them, who convinced me to apply. Maybe that's why I cling to high school so much. It was a time where I was able to be as weird and loud and obsessive and bookish and geeky as I wanted and I still was happy with my friends. I devoted myself to clubs and charities and school drama productions and school and friends. Things had already begun to unravel near graduation but I refused to see it. I lost a friend I considered one of my best and never got the chance to tell her I was sorry. I still have a book I borrowed from her and never returned.

Most of my high school experience was happy and the parts that weren't? I still relive them over and over until I want to cry. But then I remember the part where I'm still here typing away my angsty teenage feelings and I smile. The smile goes away, however, when I realize I still don't know who I am and where I'm going and why I'm going anywhere to begin with and how it really doesn't matter to anyone but my self-centred self. All I want to do is stay home and watch Friends reruns over and over.

This was a lot longer than I expected [2 hours longer]. But every once in a while it's good to let everything out right? Sorry the thoughts were neither fully formed nor were they in any comprehensible order. You never want to take a trip in my head 'cause it's scary-messy.

And with your grace...

My mom tells me my cousin Hung in Vietnam finally got his visa. Meaning he can come to Canada whenever he chooses. We're waiting until after my grampa's house is finished being built over there, sometime in August, and he's all settled. Then Hung buys his ticket and is off to the unknown that is Canada. I'm sort of scared. I mean he's gonna be living with us until he gets on his feet. Or whatever. I'm not really sure when he's "supposed" to move out. Plus he's a couple years older and [ew] he's a boy. Definately not comfortable with that. I guess I'll get used to it. I wish my cousins in Vancouver could come live here. Nhu, older than me by 4 years, is so cool [I'm, like, in awe of her] & she's smart & all that. Then there's the little ones. Diane, Kate & Ivy [9, 6, 3 years respectively] are seriously the cutest things I've ever seen. I love 'em to death. Mom asked me if I wanted to visit this summer but with school & work I didn't think it was best to push it.

I'm already stretched, money-wise, to begin with. Plus the parents are pushing me to get a second job. After Physiology I'm just in Math II until August 5th & that's an evening course. So they want me to get a day job. According to my mom, "What else are you going to do during the day?" Uh, study? Recover from last night's 2.5hr lecture? I already failed this course once mother I think I can easily do that again. Grr.

Shocking! Pictures! Gasp!

I realized last night in a shocking revelation that... I didn't throw my cap. My graduating cap. When the time came and I had "officially" graduated from high school... I didn't throw the damn cap. Why? And by now I'm well into my usual freakout. I don't remember my exact reasoning for not doing it but I'm pretty sure it was somewhere along the lines of:

"I haven't written my name inside yet. I don't want to accidently pick up someone elses. That's gross"

Stupid, I know now. But I was a stupid kid [Two whole years ago]. Why couldn't I let go. Even then when everyone else was doing it, I couldn't loosen up and throw the damn thing. It was a little upsetting I gotta say.

In better news I've figured out how to transfer photos from my new camera onto my computer. You need proof? Today at lunch:

Jesse with his new glasses [freak]

Candid of myself

Jenelle & Jackie totally not ready

The layout part of it is a bit tricky but I'm a pro now ;) More proof later in this post.

Mom is a bit worried about all the clients she lost when we moved. See my mom has her own business doing esthetician-y things like pedicures/manicures, facials, waxing and that girly stuff. But since a lot of her clients live in our old neighbourhood (a whole 15 minutes away from our new one) they've stopped going to her. She's been talking about making a flyer to hand out around this new area so I'm thinking of using my CS2 Illustrator skills to make one for her. In fact I think that's what I'll do now instead of going to work out. [haha! take that Curves!]

Bored before class started.

Self-portrait In Mirror While Not Looking. Yeah it's a working title. Why?

Until next time kiddies!

X-men: The Last Stand

I saw X-men on Saturday with my brother. Definately brought out my inner geek. I laughed when everyone else missed jokes, I wanted to scream at certain boys who were stupid about certain girls. I giggled like a little girl at flashbacks showing the old bickering married couple, Charles & Eric. However I was a little disappointed. There was so much they could've done with the whole "cure" thing. The debate of whether it's right or wrong, you know? I just think X2 with the mutant = isolation/disease/gay theme could've been expanded with the question "If you could 'cure' yourself of a 'disease' that's not a disease, would you do it? Should you do it? Would that change who you are in essence?"

It's like if I could change parts of who I am, would I do it just because it isolated myself from everyone else? You can't know until the oppurtunity comes up because until then it's all just talk. Like a character in a book I read [I can't remember who or what book.] who said something like "I never understood why people like to argue about how many stars are in the sky. It's a question that can't be answered." and he eventually came to the conclusion "It's because it can't be answered. So by giving a definitive answer no one can prove you wrong." I'm not sure anymore where I was going with that.

Okay so now all I have to do is wait for Pirates 2 to come out. I'm such an uber nerd.

A Gay Old Happy Time

So it's winter session 2005, 2 weeks before finals start. I'm sitting studying with this guy I met a few weeks ago. Let's call him C. So C's really cute and smart and actually seems to enjoy talking to me and listen to my stupid jokes. And for once we're alone because it's 5pm and everyone's gone home, even T the flamboyantly gay science geek who's half in love with C and constantly hitting on him. He's studying. I'm all packed up waiting for my bus. I work up my courage. I can ask him out. Simple. I poke him. He looks up.

NL: Can I ask you something?
C: Sure... What's wrong? [he stops everything and looks up at me seriously]
NL: ... [chickens out]
C: Are you okay?
NL: Yeah... I just wanted to know... Are you gay?
C: ... No... Are you?

So I answered him "no!" shot him a scared look, told him I'd see him "later" and bolted out of there as fast as I could. And that was the last time I talked to him. Now my friends enjoy this story so much I figured I should share it with the world. And the sad thing is, he actually looked a little disappointed when I asked him the wrong question. I always wondered if he would've said yes. I see him randomly around campus at the oddest times now. Like when I'm sprawled across a bench sleeping and I open my eyes for 2 seconds to make sure, you know, the world hasn't exploded while I slept.

Moving on to better things

My family & I moved 5 months ago. Not across the world or anything exciting like that. Just 20 minutes southwest of where our old house is. It's a nice neighbourhood. Too many kids for my liking but nice. [seriously. every family has like 8 kids. drive me crazy.] It's closer to school for me, which gives me, like, an extra 30 minutes to sleep in the morning. Was it worth it to trade in 13 years in my childhood home? I'm sure I'll be much happier once I have time to redecorate. But the sad thing is... how long am I going to be here? I'm 20 years old. I've got 3 years to graduate with a professional degree. I always assumed I'd move out when I graduated and started a career. But that was before I realized medical school requires at least a 4 year degree. So do I stay after finishing my undergraduate? Or do I move out and be a struggling medical student? It sounds romantic but I don't know if I can handle that. I also don't know if I can handle living here much longer than I have to.

I suppose I have a long time to figure it out. Until I factor in my ever-present plans for The Europe Trip. It's been in the back of my mind ever since I figured out that I can travel without the parental units. Three months. In Europe. Soaking in the culture, the paintings, the food, the sights, the experience. How can I afford to do that, go to school and move out? The one thing I couldn't handle is having to move back in after realizing I can't make it on my own. Because I can. I can do it. I need to do it.

Of all the cranial nerves...

It's 3 days before my Human Anatomy final and I'm here, in front of my computer, making a blog. It's not like it's absolutely urgent that this get done right away. But you know how it is, between passing a class and avoiding the studying needed to pass the class... I'd usually pick the avoiding. I'm good at that. Avoiding things I mean. I've done it a lot in my life. Of course there will be lots of time to dig deep into my psyche. That's what this is for.

So hence the odd blog title & username. Hypoglossal. It's the 12th and last cranial nerve. It controls tongue movement. It seems a good a name as any. I mean without out tongue life would be pretty difficult. Everyone says it's the brain and the heart that are the center of it all. But the tongue is pretty damn important too. Not more important than, say, the lungs but more important than that finger that just got chopped off. Just a thought, a reminder: to remember the little guys every once in a while. It wouldn't kill you.